"Ya Allahuakbaaar! Please give me strength ya Allah. Please. Give me strength to accept all this. I know this is the best for me. You know what is the best for me ya Allah and I trust that. I know what I want but You know what I need. Maybe I don't deserve more than that. And I believe You are the best planner. There must be reasons and wisdom behind all this that I may never know. There must be goodness in it that I may never know. Ya Allah, jauhilah aku daripada rasa kecewa. Redhakanlah aku ya Allah. Permudahkanlah hati aku untuk terima dengan hati yang tenang dan terbuka. But ya Allah, I hope and I really hope I have the strength to tell my parents about this. Soften their hearts ya Allah so that they may accept all this with redha. Allahumma Amiin."
So, final examination results for last semester (Semester 2, 2011/2012) has been released this evening. Alhamdulillah, the results were not that bad though. Like seriously! It is not that bad. I don't even have any C and below for any subjects. Only A and B. But I am seriously don't even know why the feeling is like this. Maybe the results are not good enough just like my previous semester. Or maybe I put my expectation too high that made me feel like this. Or maybe the pointer was drop. Or maybe I not achieve the target that I want. Or maybe I know with that results my parents might feel disappointed. They put high hopes on me. Seriously. They believe that I can do better than my previous semester. This is my second year in IIUM and they believe that I have been improved in many aspects. But what I've done? The results were even worse than the previous one. Ya Allah.
I should not give up. Repeatedly remind myself, the results was not that bad. I should be grateful. I should be thankful. At least, I have pass all the subjects and not repeat even one. What else better than this? What else should I ask for? Everything in our life have ups and downs, right? There must be a reason for everything happened. Only Allah knows. Once fail does not mean I will be a failure forever. Fail to achieve what I expect to be. So, I have to wake up! I have to make some improvement. I have to make sure to be better and careful next time. It is not the ending. There are another two years left. I should not give up now! Instead, I should realize and think any ways to improve my academic. I will try harder and smarter for next semester onward! Need to be more focus. Need to increase the pointer back. Need to make my parents proud. New spirits! New steps! Ya Allah, please help me through all this. Help me to achieve what my parents wished. Only You know what I feel. Only You know what is the best for me. Only You know what the future bring. Ya Allah make it easy for me.
Just have to convince my parents tomorrow about the results. Hope have the strength to tell them. Hope Allah will soften their hearts. Hope Allah will make them strong enough. The heart broken because of you can not be good enough as a daughter to your parents is even worse than heart broken because of love relationship. Seriously, ya Allah. Tak sanggup nak tengok mereka kecewa. Ibu ayah, please forgive me :'(
Hopefully, I able to do much more better after this. I will not waste my parents' hope. Hopefully, I manage to recover and increase my pointer back for another semester onward. Seriously. Tak mustahil pointer itu boleh naik semula. Hopefully, I manage to fulfill my parents' wishes and hopes. Hopefully, I manage to get First Class Honours Student, Dean's List Student, Best Student during my graduation in IIUM. Hopefully, I manage to extend my Master at overseas as ayah wish. May Allah ease my way. May Allah makes my plans run smoothly. Sesungguhnya, aku hanya merancang, Dia yang menentukan.
Hmph.
I need motivation. I need support. I need advice.
"... boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui ..." (Surah Al-Baqarah: 216)
Whatever it is, ALHAMDULILLAH.
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